Migrant this, migrant that, migrant them – Ole!

I spent one hot, humid summer in North Carolina working alongside some Mexican migrant workers picking tobacco. My hands and arms were always sticky, my body always sweaty, and the workers were always kind and friendly.

I have my own view of the Mexican migrant "problem" and would like to propose five easy steps to abating this absurd debacle.

1. We will open the border to any Mexican that wants to come here. If all the cheap labor moved here to the US, then the car manufacturers and garment makers in Mexico would have to move all their plants back here too. America gets the added GDP and the owners get cheap labor. It’s a win-win situation! Oh yeah, and I’ll bet you a peso, that when they build that giant wall on the border, Halliburton will get the contract.

2. Instead of calling it illegal immigration we should call it repatriation – after all, we robbed some of this land from Mexicans to build a nation and a first class economy. From now on, we can just call it even.

3. Illegal aliens are supposed to pay a $2000 fine in order to stay here. $2000!? That’s way too much for poor people, especially considering that they came here to escape poverty by working for a couple dollars a day. I say the fine should be changed. Instead, every migrant must bring either a cool Day of the Dead doll or an excellent wood carving from Oaxaca.

4. Be sure to inform every new citizen from Mexico that the Social Security system will soon be defunct and that we are in the process of dismantling systems of medical care and public health anyway. Do not inform them that we have already used a bunch of that oil in Texas – keep that on the down low.

5. All Mexican repatriates may freely import those muy caliente, sexy soap operas, but we must emphatically draw the line at their game shows.

So let me be the first to say sincerely, “Buenos dias, mis amigos y amigas. Welcome to America. Vote for Pedro.”